"I knew once I saw Richard Heart walk out of the Prada store with all those bags on TikTok I had to get dummy rich just like him. I can’t keep delivering for Uber Eats. Do you know how excruciatingly embarrassing it is to hand off a Sweetgreen salad to an incredibly beautiful woman living in a mansion out in the Hamptons paid for by her married boyfriend, Joseph Lubin? She was wearing the shortest skirt I’ve ever seen and I had to see what she was wearing underneath, so I went on all fours and barked, begging for a tip. She asked if I had Phantom wallet on my phone. I said yes. Excited that she knew about the trenches, I bragged that I was a prolific Retardio reply-guy. Her smile shifted into a scowl, and soon after the door was slammed. Later that day, I made my way to the Prada store at the Americana mall in Manhasset, searching for a new pair of boots. As I walked into the store, I was immediately grilled by security, staring at my dirty sneakers in disgust until an associate came by and complimented them, saying she’s never seen that texture on shoes before. We found the boots that I was looking for but the store didn’t have my size, so I placed an order with my Gemini credit card, the one that gave 1% back in Ripple. I was too embarrassed to tell her that I was living in a tent, so instead I told her to have them delivered to the store. She must have been suspect, because she immediately asked me what I did for a living. I told her the first lie that came to mind, that I recently fatfired after selling my vibe-coded SaaS business to a MAG 7 company. I think she bought the lie. Days went by when I realized my credit card was maxed out and checking account negative. I gambled my life savings away on a shitcoin that President Trump shilled on Truth Social. I cried while demanding my AI sex chat bot modeled after Miuccia Prada to comfort me. After the tears dried, I pulled my pants up and called customer support to let them know that I unfortunately had to cancel my order."